November 18, 2018

            I’ve made some progress in my physical recovery this week! I can walk on my own! Well I call it walking. Someone who observed from afar might call it the gimp of a broken penguin. At least that’s what I saw it as when I observed my reflection in the mirror at physical therapy. I am mostly free now. My ribs don’t hurt as bad, and I don’t need to take as many meds anymore. My mom looked excited and sad at the same time. I don’t know why, she should be ecstatic that she doesn’t have to baby me as much anymore. My physical therapist said that I definitely should find a safe way to celebrate. My mom told me not to take any pills on Saturday, but didn’t tell me why at first. Then she showed up with her favorite bottle that said Penfolds on it. I don’t really know what it was but my mom said it was wine, so I trusted her. I recognized the bottle from a long time ago, but I couldn’t remember why. Part of me wants to say it’s one of her favorite wines, but I hadn’t seen her drink since the accident. 

            Speaking of the accident. I gained some clarity through my daily meditation. I started doing it to try and improve my mood, because I could feel myself spiraling downward. In the most recent session I found that I could finally discern the blurry image around Hank’s head. I had gotten up out of my seat because there was a strange red mark on his neck that looked grossly infected. I’m worried now that I caused the accident, because when my hand touched his shoulder he looked back at me with empty eyes and the boat skipped on the water. At first, I didn’t think anything of it, the boat skips across wakes all of the time, but we didn’t hit the water again the right way. The boat touched the water surface sideways and so began the rollercoaster ride from hell. 

            I begin to sweat every time I think of that, and I can’t seem to find a way to not think of it anymore. My games distract me enough though. I get lost in Black Ops 4 with random people who usually don’t ask me about my life. I still have my friends on Gears, but sometimes you just don’t want to talk to anyone. The teenagers that seem to overrun CoD servers makes for the perfect distraction. I could care less about the jokes they make about my mother or my lack of manhood when they kill me. I don’t ever talk back to them. I find it more entertaining to listen. I can’t believe Stan Lee died. I loved all of the Marvel movies, because who doesn’t, but to imagine that the guy who created all of that universe just left the world behind blows my mind. He left a legacy for sure. I don’t know what I would have left behind if I died in that accident. 

A SL and PoS post.