November 11, 2018

My therapist recommended that I try to connect with my mother more after he read last week’s entry. He said that if I could focus on the good things in my life, then the pain may begin to subside both mentally and physically. He said it usually works best if you don’t tell the other person about your goal, because it can cause ingenuine interactions. I won’t fight him on that since his doctorate degree outweighs my high school diploma. I thought that I would find the desire to connect easily since last week I felt so miserable, but the struggle feels harder than I planned. Even with the conscious and selfish choice to connect with my mother, I find her annoying. There just seems to be so much of a gap in mentality between her and me.

She doesn’t seem resistant to my new-found appreciation for her, in fact, she acts quite enthused anytime I initiate a conversation with her. Since I began to talk to her, I noticed that she slows her walk as she passes the doorway to my room. I don’t see her directly, which is nice sometimes, but I began to notice out of the corner of my eye. When I look that direction, she takes that as an invitation to start a conversation. I want to talk to her about something that we have in common, but video games don’t appeal to her, and she disliked my life choices before the accident. I know that working as a “sandwich artist” doesn’t really have that zing that would result in a future billionaire salary, but at least I had a job. The sad part is some kids my age still lived with their parents and didn’t work full time when they were healthy. Does it make me a hypocrite to call those people out? No, I don’t think so, because I have an excuse to find myself stuck in my mother’s condo. I can see the appeal of life at home. No rent, utilities, or internet bills. While my mom may gripe about some small inconveniences that my presence created, I think I can keep her happy by talking to her. I ask her about when she will return to work. She doesn’t know yet. Then I ask her about her friend that comes over to talk, and I get filled in on some of the local condo gossip. The conversations have yet to prove time worthy for me. That may sound harsh, but I don’t find enjoyment in gossip, but that’s just me.

My therapist recommended that I try to branch out and connect with other people as well. I don’t know, I find that even harder than getting hot Cheeto stains out of a couch cushion. So, in this wonderful age, I did what any lonesome person would do and ventured into the depths of the internet. I found this post by a gamer that goes by Darkrast that talks about a drone flying a copy of the new Spyro game to Snoop Dogg. Crazy. He also had some more personal and introspective stuff on there that I found enjoyment in. I know it probably wasn’t the interaction that my therapist advised, but it works for me right now. I saw others with videos that I connected with online, and the one-sided conversation calms me. The fact that I only need to listen makes the idea of interaction easier. Maybe I need to try and listen more to my mom so I can get past the awkward conversations.

I asked her about my birth father today because I knew he fought in one of the wars. My phone also gave me a reminder that today was Veteran’s Day. She told me that he was an honorable man, but had his demons due to his time in what he called the sandbox. He died when I was young. My mother said that the war didn’t get him while he was there, it only followed him home like a parasite and fed off his mind until it left him. I don’t know exactly how my father died, my mom just said it was something wrong with his head that reached a point where his body couldn’t take it anymore. I don’t really try to search deeper than that at the moment. We celebrate those still alive on Veteran’s Day, and we must also remember those who died after they served. I think I’m getting a little too heavy in my journal lately. I should try to look for some good in my world. I’m sure my therapist would agree with me.

A SL and PoS post.