October 4, 2018

I’m starting to remember something from the incident. The moment right before the boat flipped. I can’t discern the tiny detail, but I know I saw something that didn’t fit. My step-father’s face or part of him related to that seemed off. I close my eyes and try to focus, but images just blur and flash as the water envelopes me with a “Stone Cold” Steve Austin type of hug. Then I only see the darkness behind my eyelids. My therapist said that I made good progress since we began our talks, but I don’t see any change. I guess self-observation of mental improvement challenges me to try and see progress. I don’t see progress in that area though.

I wish I could say that my pain subsided, but it only seems to get worse. I find myself on the verge of tears every time I attempt to adjust my body position. The video games have helped keep my mind off the pain though. I find that if I imagine myself as the characters, it feels as if I don’t exist in this pain-ridden body. The only time I come out of my trance is when I sneeze, and that sucks. I never realized that I used my entire body to sneeze until I felt the pain that could accompany it. It feels like metal spikes being hammered into every muscle with each sneeze. I do start to cry at those points because I don’t understand the pain. If only I could heal like Wolverine, or Deadpool, shoot I would be ugly just heal like Deadpool. Not that it would damage my pre-existing looks.

I got my mom to buy me a keyboard for my controller, and I told her that some of the games required me to type responses. She seemed to believe me, but right before she left me room to go buy the mini keyboard she gave me a soft look of concern. Maybe she knows more than I give her credit for. I just want to find a way to talk to someone besides my mom. I love her, but talking to one person every day gets miserable quick. So now I try to turn up my TV when I know I want to chat with a clan I joined. Even if it’s just text, talking to other people outside of my room is so freeing. I think I am going to try and meet some of them when I can move around on my own.

A SL and PoS post.